Every two weeks, one of my posts for CBN goes up on the site, and as soon as it does, thinking about the next one begins. Case in point: the last subject was on the five main ways we express love, and since then. I’ve been pondering how to keep love from going awry. In this process, it occurred to me that most people believe the opposite of love is hatred, but it’s not.
It’s fear.
Fear is disguised in multiple forms of complexity. To name a few, anger, blame, dishonesty, and hatred. These emotions cover up feelings of vulnerability, like being unloved, unwanted, wrong, victimized, or ignored, all of which feel like the strike of a stake in a tender heart.
When you understand that your emotions come from you, by choosing to own them, much strife in relationships can be avoided. This only happens with accountability, in the consciousness that no one can ‘make’ you mad, or ‘make’ you feel anything. They may draw out your emotions, but your feelings belong to you.
At times, anger is appropriate, and with the tyranny of the ego being quick and unproductive, you can either get pulled into ugliness and drama, argue your point until no one can remember what the fight is about, or investigate what’s underneath it all. In the heat of an emotional reaction, take time to uncover why you’re threatened. When you recognize your own fear, or old family patterns of not being seen or understood, you will save a lifetime of arguments.
I am in no way suggesting that one overlooks an abusive person’s words or deeds, or puts up with destructive character flaws. What I’m advocating is emotional equilibrium through consciousness, accountability, and maturity. Those qualities guide any given situation, including, when necessary, having enough self-love to remove yourself from unhealthy interactions and relationships.
Humans will never agree on every single thing. Nor do we have to disagree through argument and attempts to convince. Let healthy differences be the norm. Even if you are triggered, accept other’s words and deeds as belonging to them, Another person’s attitude or lack of understanding doesn’t have to be about you, unless you take it on.
If you have spent your years thus far in blame, it may be a stretch to own your feelings. But it’s never too late. Choose to live an examined life, and ask if you would rather be right, or joyful. The need to be right will imprison you for life. Choosing joy will set you free.
Stephanie Urdang
Photo by John McDonald
